the secret adventure tales of jojoba!

On Moving and other things

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 03:21:19 GMT

Hey guys, if you don't already know, I've moved on to greener pastures that is http://ilovepotsandpants.wordpress.com :)

I probably won't be blogging much here anymore but if we could keep connected, that'd be great! My new blog will feature my baking adventures, my thoughts on life and more fashion inspiration. It's been a good ride, show some support to pots and pants!

-Joanne

a fresh start

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 09:13:29 GMT

toying with the idea of moving to a new page. maybe. will keep y'all posted!

mornings and things like that.

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 00:22:54 GMT

"You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book… or you take a trip… and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken." - Anais Nin

more good stuff here, enjoy (:

photos of india coming soon, but facebook is not working with me.

ps. maryann and eunice, i'm home! let's meet (:

Revolutionary Road

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 15:51:07 GMT

Our plans to bake in the sun was dashed when the rain came pouring down on us. Murphy's Law I hate you. My parents are outta town for the week, so now I'm all home alone!

Bff and I went to catch Revolutionary Road instead, which stars Kate Winslet and Leonardo Dicaprio. And I must say, it was good, but most definitely depressing. Basically the plot of the story revolves around April and Frank, who met at a party, fell in love, got married, had kids and did the whole stepford wives dance. Suburbia, tweed pants and civilised smiles all round the table. But I guess April needed a certain type of excitement, a spark to make life worth living again. Of course Frank is the realistic one, the one who has to be practical and focus on earning as much money as he can to bring his family a good life, by working a dead end job he hates etc. It shows the breakdown of a marriage, and it seems so real, because it echoes the fears that we all have. That marriage spells the end of everything, that we fall into a routine and suddenly we find ourselves stuck.

some good quotes!

when asked about whether she needed an escape, to get out and april wheeler replies this:
April Wheeler: I wanted IN. I just wanted us to live again. For years I thought we've shared this secret that we would be wonderful in the world. I don't know exactly how, but just the possibility kept me hoping. How pathetic is that? So stupid. To put all your hopes in a promise that was never made. Frank knows what he wants, he found his place, he's just fine. Married, two kids, it should be enough. It is for him. And he's right; we were never special or destined for anything at all.

ugh, i feel depressed now. im scared of sleeping alone tonight.

being a woman and other things

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 10:39:48 GMT

thanks for everyone's concerns, im feeling alot better, but the occassional slip-ups happen and it goes downhill, but the only way from down is up right?

i hate HATE having my period. It renders me useless especially on the first instance I get it. Here I am, all ready for yoga class, but oops, a drop of blood and it changes everything. Cramps, stomach pains, the inability to take anything down. why why why? I'm pretty sure though, after this, i'm going to be all bright and sunshine, buying the next pair of heels and proclaiming how nice it is to be a girl.

i've been watching so much high stakes poker, it's not even funny. but u really learn so much. so till my next game, hopefully i'll play better!

I am so excited for india! i swear to god, seeing big boulders of stone and greenery is a sure big change from the usual bustling city life i look forward to. but i really honestly, cant wait to visit all the palaces, castles, stone architectures, getting to know the culture, sweltering in 45 deg heat (YES IT IS 45 DEG, so trying not to complaining about the heat here), chai tea on the road side..it's going to be an unforgettable journey. Matt and I have planned our itinerary thoroughly, so let's just hope it all works out! i'm looking forward to sitting hours on the train, passing through the green paddy fields.. and a good book, plus some good music.

it's gonna be a life-changing journey, i can just feel it in my bones. been practicing loadsa yoga, ashtanga on tuesday was hardcore, but felt awesome. and i met all my old yoga buddies! these aunties are so cute, and not to mention, still fit as a fiddle at their age. i aspire to be like them when i grow up!

only problem about india is that 1)the people take FOREVER to reply emails (except for the yoga ashram ppl) because i guess they are more tech-saavy 2) everything there is SO confusing, we have decided to leave out tour packages and DIY everything ourselves, but it proves to be difficult. 3)so scared we will get robbed or cheated into giving money to beggars, Matt and I have decided to toughen up and just try not to look at these beggars...oh god, so hard. 4)the heat (i cant imagine how tanned i'm gonna get. ugly tee shirt tans, uck)

but i AM looking forward to
1) yoga stay with river rafting!
2) Travelling alone for awhile
3) GOA - BEACHES AND PARTY YAY ME
4) Hampi (it's so freaking pretty, me and matt just cant let it go!)
5) Wonder La Amusement Park in Bangalore
6) Taj Mahal in Agra
7) Jaipur and Delhi all in 3 days!

so ppl, i'll be gone for 3 weeks, be prepared for me to return a mass of black skin and smiles (:

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 13:31:08 GMT

Please just save me from this darkness.

some optimism would be nice

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 14:46:59 GMT

“Christina, I could promise to hold you, and to cherish you. I could promise to be there in sickness and in health. I could say till death do us part. But I won’t. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. And I do not stand here, on my wedding day, optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic. I am not hopeful. I am sure. I am steady. And I know. I am a heart man. I take them apart. I put them back together. I hold them in my hands. I… am a heart man. So this, I am sure, you are my partner, my lover, my very best friend. My heart beats for you. And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this. I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands. I promise you… me.”

without a doubt, i will marry this man (or any man who says this at my wedding) even though he is an asshole.

i feel.

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 13:46:00 GMT

i feel so tired of living.
i feel and i dont like what i feel.
i feel, i feel, i feel.
i feel the music in the air tonight.
i feel i am drowning in this scene.
i feel i am so tired of living.
i feel black, blood, red.
i feel tired, sick and insane.
i feel, i feel, feel.

i feel this feeling and i dont like it.
i feel like my heart is on the verge.
i feel, i feel, i feel.

i feel like this music is what will take me to eternity.
i feel words can't speak.
i feel my teeth wont sink.
i feel like breaking my bones.
i feel, i feel, i feel.

think of me no more.

3 days

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 07:24:43 GMT

3 days and still so sick. germs be gone! can barely move. paralysed in beddd. boo

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 13:18:35 GMT

I am blogging from my blackberry which is kinda depressing because the laptop is fucked and I have to pay 600++ to repair it which is just like fuck this shit yo, I'm going old school- desktop baby! But.

I suddenly feel depressed and jaded. The thought of moving away seems like everything but I have no money. When? When? When? Going to be stuck in a dead end job, that pays nothing. I hardly have anyone to spend my days with, I am always poor, my parents are always yelling at me for no good reason, I feel more and more like I'm faded into a background, a sea of faces that no longer matter.

Yet my heart longs to do great things for the less fortunate, to build lives for those who have nothing, to save the earth, the animals from extinction. But I'm stuck here because money is an issue, getting a real "life" is an issue. But how do u define real "life"?

Am still waiting for those ppl at the yoga ashram to email me back. Why won't they reply? am so upset, everything is so messy right now. Don't even know what I'm going to do with my life.

Fuck this shit.

Ps: look and feel like a fat ugly fuck. Who am I kidding.

self esteem and other things

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 09:42:14 GMT

trawling american apparel's website is so so bad for one's self-esteem. the girls that look effortlessly chic, in messy hair and flawless complexion. and the objects of my desires, all so far out of reach. wants these shoes:

cute and so indie. but it's about $150 which is non-exclusive of the ridiculous shipping rates. so i guess till then, i bid these shoes a sweet farewell. boo.

on to happier things, im going to india for my grad trip! that's awesome. going to soak up some sun and do some yoga finally on the mountains just like i always wanted to. abit afraid of being alone for the first part of the trip, but hey, we all have to grow up some time. and fear is good.

i miss cooking and baking up a storm in my kitchen. i know my parents are quite relieved that i havent made a mess in the kitchen of late, but oh god, i cant wait to stick my fingers in some sticky dough and the smell of cookies tantalising my taste buds. yummy. it could be that im really hungry right now...

TGIF today, but not too sure what's up. fleatique (yeah!) and then maybe to home club for some local music (the fire fight! WGB!). if you're round about the corner, gimme a holler.

ps. Coldplay and JM was like unbelievably good. Coldplay constituting tears and laughter. JM with sue was like OH MY GOD FAN GIRL MOMENT. so yeah.. am very happy.

i am still fearful and clueless about the future. there's a big question mark hanging about in the air. i might be poor for the rest of my life. like my best friend said, travelling is the ONE thing that makes us all happy, but what's stopping us? MONEY. that's a true love-hate relationship.

i guess we just have to find ourselves somewhere, in a place that we can finally settle. only thing is, we can never be happy with what we have.

new camera back in my life, it's time for some hardcore 50 albums to appear on facebook. just you wait and see.

here's some very little small snippets of my life that has been happening, but that's about it. you really didn't miss much.

xx

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 14:47:35 GMT

it's going to be okay now.

remember hate is easy; but love, love takes courage.

show me some loving.

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 14:41:45 GMT

everyone should take a trip down here:

http://musikmusings-jo.blogspot.com/

also, things to get in march:
1. Camera
2. Electric Mixer
3. New glasses

Bloody recession.

i like rainy nights and fairy tales. bad dreams haunt me for long periods of time. and i've found remedy in this new band i heard yesternight.

show some support to musikmusings please!

10 years

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 15:37:45 GMT

If this is what we are in 10 years, me on the laptop, u playing the guitar into the night. In pjs and kisses sometimes, i think i could live like that. i love you.

because there's nothing more boring than school

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 07:07:31 GMT

always something to take your mind off things.

What are your middle names?
I dont have a middle name. His would be Jeremiah.

How long have you been together?
Going into 4 months

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
ooh tough one. i dont know like 1 week? i think...

Who asked whom out?
Me. I shamelessly badgered him to go out and party with us. haha.

How old are each of you?
Will be 23 come 21st Sept, him 20, Aug 1st. Yes Jo is dating a younger guy, I never thought this day would come.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
mine for sure! he is always over. (:

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Not seeing each other for long periods of time. And when I'm on my period, my PMS is out of wack.

Did you go to the same school?
Nope.

Are you from the same home town?
East side is the shit. but his house is still far from mine.

Who is smarter?
ooh, he is street wise, intuitive and is definitely more rational. I'm an grammar nazi so I am always telling him off to get it right.

Who is the most sensitive?
Oh me, guilty as charged.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Dunman Food Hawker Centre! But we cook alot, so that's fun.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
So far it's only KL. but there'll be more!

Who has the craziest exes?
No crazy stalking ex. But sometimes hang-ups happen. which sucks.

Who has the worst temper?
Since Im sensitive, I get upset easily.So I wouldn't say we have tempers flaring but we have our moments.

Who does the cooking?
Both of us! But I prefer to bake.

Who is the neat-freak?
Me, which is ironic cos my room is always in a mess. but I like my things a certain way, I want my things where I put it and I want to do it my own way. I'm abit compulsive that way.

Who is more stubborn?
Me (See above for sure)

Who hogs the bed?
Him. He jabbed his elbow on my face once, without even realising.

Who wakes up earlier?
He does! to get changed for work.

Where was your first date?
Butter factory? (I know, what a terrible place to start lol)

Who is more jealous?
Me - i am a horrible person.

How long did it take to get serious?
We always dated and I think that helped us get serious, that we really want this to work.

Who eats more?
He does. He has got a bottomless pit of a stomach.

Who does the laundry?
Err, neither. I know he does his own laundry though.

Who's better with the computer?
He is, this can be seen from the vast difference of how our firefox looks like.

Who drives when you are together?
No one! I don't believe in driving and he hasn't gotten his license yet. But why? Long bus rides and mrt train rides are always lovely with him.

still bored in class. tsk

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 06:25:56 GMT

i have a really bad neckache. have to start doing yoga more religiously. lately been swimming and running alot. so abit stiff. blah.

im in class now. but im googling recipes instead. way to score an 'A' jo. yay for distraction!

pls listen to right away, great captain and powderfinger. wooopee.

when i die, i want to donate my organs. also been looking up volunteer work in australia. who knows!

so much things to do, so little time.

i like my dress today (: ruffles ruffles

god im bored. this woman is boring.

bf!

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 15:29:07 GMT

why i love my boyfriend:
-he eats all my left-over food
-he says the most random shit like, " eh what was thing that jack neo used to say something gu-li,gu-li (in chinese)". and i will say, "what the fuck are u talking about" and he will say" that thing he says to ask guests to clap at the show!" and then ill say, "zhang shen gu-li gu-li la!"
-he will cook with me and i love cooking with him
-he also say the most innocent things like, ?sweetheart where do u download all your music albums from?" and i will be like, (very hostily), "dont tell u." and he says "please can u tell me? i really want to download something." (in the most serious and innocent voice ever)
- and he digs my nose for me

please tell me, how is that not true love? (:

i am thankful

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 11:57:32 GMT

this year is all about options, the endless possibilities of what if-s. i'll be graduating in less than 6 months, and i am still trying to figure which path to choose, what road to take. very often, i try to tell ppl, we'll decide when we get there. but as much as i wish to be free and avoid the responsibility of thinking maybe, should it be, what if, i think i still somewhere along the line, have to come up with some sort of plan. an idea about which direction to take.

i actually never really had a chance to sit down and contemplate upon what i've achieved these 22 years of my life. and as the more important decisions of my life draw closer, i feel like it is only fair i really think about what i've done and the possibilities in the very near future.

i think the luckiest thing that has ever happened to me was landing a job in MTV. it just solidified my love for music and i knew then that music will always be a part of me. it should be unfortunate that i cant play a single instrument, can't hold a note to save my life and write truly crappy lyrics. but i know good music when i hear it. i love the bridging of words with music, because it just makes it all the more beautiful, listening to art and seeing it all come down on paper. and when you watch a band you love, they sing and sing for you because they know you are there to listen, you can feel magic in the air. you just watch, you get carried away and it's a magical moment to see everyone around you, strangers, gathering around together, all to appreciate this very special love. with music, everything else shouldnt matter anymore.

when i say lucky, i mean i really got lucky. i met Utt who is possibly the most down-to-earth celebrity I've ever known. (Please, i'm not in love with him) And I'm very very thankful that he allowed me to join seven95ive and truly, I've got to meet so many great people from all walks of life and we all hang out like it's all family. Being someone's personal assistant, isnt the most glamourous of jobs (fetching coffee included), but he has taught me alot about the industry and the most important thing is that he trusts me, and he knows I can get the job done. For now, the likelihood of being onboard 795 fulltime is pretty high after I graduate, till the end of 09 and then we'll see where i go after that.

I hear MTV isn't doing so well and the job market currently is probably shit. That's mainly the reason why I'm staying on with 795 even after I graduate, because I get to meet music label ppl (yet again!) and everyone else that should be known. The money won't be great that I know because it's a small company, so I'm really not sure what else I can do. Possibly to work for MTV again for the MAAs in Aug. And I hope I can land a job with universal/warner. but all that is still open for question. Warner seems like a better entry point because I have more friends there, but we'll see.

But all that aside, I know what my goals are. I really want to own my own cafe. I have been doing abit of research here and there about American Apparel and I was wondering if I could bring the two together. I dont know how. But I have a concept about the cafe in my head. It definitely has to be music-related, open mic nights, dj nights, the works. It'll be like Blu Jaz, so I still have to find a new twist to everything. Problem is money (of course). That's my biggest hurdle. So help me god, hopefully a kickass proposal will give me a grant from somewhere. I am thinking my aunt, she's single and she's rich. LOL.

oh well. I'm daydreaming into the night while my head is still kinda fuzzy and sleepy. I'm really tired people. Of you guys too.

But I love E and everyday I am more thankful that he is in my life. I love it that he will wake me up and kiss me on my nose before he leaves for work, telling me he loves me and then hug me, smelling all fresh and clean saying he will see me soon. I love it that he will twirl me in the middle of the shopping mall and dance with me while a good song comes on. I love it that he will sit through my endless repetitions of every friends episode. I love it that he will cook with me, bake with me even though im a disaster in the kitchen (but im getting there). I love it that he listens to me rant through the most random things and never judges me. I can never find anyone who will love me as much as he does, and who understands me as much as he does. There are so many things in life I could forget to give thanks for, and for the most parts I do, but I never, ever want to forget how thankful I am to have him.

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 14:35:52 GMT

i had the best weekend ever.

friday: sephora event with artistes from 795 - taya, jibby and mohini. we had alot of fun dissing other artistes and making fun of ugly ones cos that usually how we roll. off to meet yos at dempsey for a little catching up. it was cool, we talked about everything out under the open sky with a nice cool breeze to catch our hearts and share our thoughts. then it was off to arab street for some hardcore poker! baby ended up sleeping at my place and we didnt get up till like 2 pm or something lol

saturday: so we wake up and we rolled around in bed for 2 hours, refusing to get up or do anything. and then we had a fantastic idea and that was to bake! so we started searching for cookie receipes online and decided that we needed to do something about bed hair and bad breath lol. we went out for a very late lunch? and walked to the supermarket to get the stuff to bake. baking turned out to be a huge success. we tried all different kinds of mixes for the cookie toppings and they all turned out great (but the nutella one was questionable). and then it was another night of poker with brother and his friends (who play very strangely to say the least, a total different experience from friday night) but im proud to say i only lost 10 cents! lol

sunday: baby left for jamming at 1 pm, so i was left to my own devices. i went for some exercise (skipping! yes!) and then took a walk to the supermarket yet again to get some more stuff to make cupcakes this time (this whole baking thing is rubbing off me). came home, and packed my room. i am very prud to say that my room is devoid of all the junk that's been collecting dust for the past years. i still have to work on my wardrobe and my bags, but we can leave that for another day because god knows how long that'll take too. for now im quite happy with the sight of my room. friday and saturday was just a disaster, god. the cupcakes turned out great. and im going to try the icing receipe in future cos i just find out i have a blender lol. my house is pretty amazing i must say. churns out the most unexpected shit.

off to work tomorrow at cluny court. going to be another long boring day serving stuck up bukit timah people hate those. i found some old diaries of mine and damn i was an emo kid. but who says im not emo now lol. oh god i really hope ac cashes in my check soon, im so angry they still owe me money for so long. I AM PISSED OFF. ): ah well. tmrw i shall call and chase! thankfully i borrowed egan's laptop, so tmrw i can listen to some decent music, and not rubbish music on radio. so that's good!

maybe i shld be a full fledged baker, open a little cafe somewhere nice. just small, cosy, comfortable. a place for u to come to when u want to hide away from the world. i think that would be nice. and of course to move in to a place with my sweetheart, where we can share forever.

i am thankful for these past 3 days, it made me realise that life can be so beautiful and so simple. i shared real heart to heart talks with my favourite persons in the whole wide world and they make me feel like im worth so much, i cant possibly say how much. and i love all of them so much, and of course, one, too much.

so much closer.

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 09:54:07 GMT

i could never get why people always get so excited whenever it's the new year. to me, it's always just another day, another day becoming another day upon the clock striking 12. i guess i'm just too skeptical for my own good. i had a nice nye's celebration nonetheless. i spent it at dyl's chalet (for the first time!). to me, i just sat around, watched tv, made some new friends, talked about everything and anything, drifiting in and out of hugs from the one i love and played taboo. nothing crazy but i loved every moment of it.

finally, the new year. i am proud to say that 2008 was good to me. i had a great internship experience at MTV, i made so many new friends, so many new people, i got to work on the MTV Asia Awards, i am so much better in yoga now, my best friend's home, i went to california..life couldnt get any better than all that. i am so thankful that 2008 panned out just the way i had wanted it to, and here's hoping that 2009 will get better.

what i want in 2009.

in summary, i want love, joy and happiness (as with all other years). but this time, i want to spend 2009 with egan, to learn and to explore new grounds in our relationship. i want us to always stay happy, to run along sidewalks, slow dancing in the middle of a busy street, skip puddles in the rain, laugh while we kiss and even when we fight, i want us to be real, honest and open with each other. it's been 2 months, and i wouldnt trade any of the bad moments for the good ones. because good or bad, i know i love him deeply,madly,crazily.

i want to be able to go to india and live a true yoga experience. i've never felt more at peace with life ever since i stepped onto that mat. and every time i do a backward bend, or some intensed core posture, i feel rejuvenated, alive and i'm proud of how far i've come. so here's to more of that.

i want to be able to go to music gigs, listen to music anywhere and everywhere i go. to be able to be surrounded by people who love music like i do, and dance with me through all these great songs. because there is nothing powerful than music for that it binds us together. and well i guess i hope i get a job that involves music as well, but here's hoping!

i know i'm not a perfect person. i have many flaws, and i have many weaknesses. but i want to learn to love myself for all those imperfections because with loving myself, comes change. everyday i fight a battle with my mind and my physical self, it's not easy but the least i can do now, is try. 5 years of eating problems, i need a change. if my mind's not weak, but my body is. and i can feel my body getting weaker with each passing day. so i have to stay strong, and i guess 2009 is it.

there's so much i want to do, so much i want to say. unfortunately, words cannot make up for everything. you just have to live. and when you really live, crazy, no holding back, and in total chaos, you actually finally know what living is all about.

i'm really tired. but i'm happy too. so here's to a new start.

it's goodbye to some friends because we never can keep up with some, and hello to new ones. whatever happens, i'm letting go. and it feels good (:

love x

merry christmas and things like that

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 14:48:25 GMT

it's a time of fuzzy slippers, warm robes and hot cocoa by the fire place. unfortunately for us, we are mostly greeted by endless rain and dreary weather. this year's christmas was nice and simple, spending it with the person i love the most, enjoying wonderful dinner, watching friends and laughing about every single thing we can. there is no stopping this, there is nothing i can do to control things as much as i want to. so i guess this is what it has come down to.

tonight, i feel like writing. like writing alot. too much. and i guess i just have to start from
I had feared a certain time like this would come and I would just lose track of all these thoughts and somehow somewhere it would just be buried amongst all the other things i just forget, and it'd be a shame.

I've been very unhappy for the past few months because of the whole E.D. thing resurfacing. I hate to admit that I am a victim of this horrible disease but I am human, and I have flaws. It took me a long time to just let it all go, and now my body doesn't look like how I used to when I would starve myself an entire day, and run 2 hours on a treadmill. I worked my body to its bones and I was always tired. Yeah sure I was skinny, a size 0 but then Malcolm left me because he couldn't take my insecurities and so he said he had to go. I guess I had no one to blame but myself.

I never said why I was so obsessed about losing weight. So I guess it's time to get real and just start from the beginning.

I was never the skinny girl in class. I was a little on the chubby side and truth is, I hated to look at myself in the mirror. I started eating like no tomorrow because I always though I would just get away with it later. My dad and my mom would always call me fat. They would go 'Girl, u're so fat. u better start losing weight.' and all my relatives would go 'Haiyo! So chubby!' and laugh like it didn't matter. Truth is, I just tried to let it go and just make do with my ugliness.

And then in JC, somewhere along the line, I just snapped. I literally just snapped. I just started to run. so running 3k became 5 and then it became 8 and then 10 and then it just wouldnt stop. I grew obsessed about running, waking up at 5 am to run before hitting school. And then when the compliments came in (that i was losing weight), I stopped eating because I wanted to stay the way I was. So I counted calories like it was my religion, and so I guess it all went downhill from there.

4 years down the line and still I havent let go of my ghosts. Whenever I hear people telling me, 'oh my god u look like uve put on weight' and my heart starts to panic because I guess in my head, skinny equals pretty. I know this sounds horribly superficial of me but I just do. I worked out like a dog in the gym, I ran, I did spinning, I did yoga and I did cardio exercises left, right, centre and still I was fat as a turd. Or at least I felt I was.

Then came California. It just changed my views on life, on love, on myself. I don't know how 2 weeks could have such an epiphany upon my life, but it did. And I thought I was going to be okay with everything. I came home refreshed, rejuvenated and I felt alive for the first time in a very long time. I finally gave in. I ate normally and I only did yoga, swimming and a bit of running here and there, things that I still love. I ate like a regular person and the weight started to come back on. I know I'm not obese but I know I'm not skinny like I used to be where the clothes didn't fit right in all the right places (ass and waist). My dad called me fat one day, my mom and her friends have been commenting non-stop that I look like I've put on weight. And I just try to let it go and be happy. But lately it isnt working. I'm more self-conscious and I can find myself feeling more and more obsessed with each passing day. I am afraid I'm never ever going to let this go.

So I guess this comes the hard part. Where the shit hits the fan.

I've been having a horrible time at home with my parents. We've had more fighting matches than I ever have had in my entire adolescent years. For the most parts, I detest their constant questioning of my judgement, and for most of it, it concerns Egan. My mom just wont stop ragging on me about not spending enough time at home and that I am just rebellious, I am ungrateful and I am, in general, a bad daughter. I know I'm no angel, but it's so evident that my brother gets away with more things than I do. But I just let it be. I will be the less successful one, the less talented one, whatever, I am okay with being mediocre in their eyes. Because they don't see what I see. They don't feel what I feel. For the most parts, I don't even know why I'm born to this family. It is evident that they are very traditional, I am very liberal. I want to leave Singapore the first instant that I can, but they want me to stay here and live with them until I'm 30. I'm not that person.

I like to write, I love music, I love art, I love all these art things that none of them are into.

My mom won't stop sending me to see quak doctors who try to "restore my energy" so to speak. and I am sick and tired of her treating me like I am sick in my head. I am not sick. I just want to live my life like a 22 year old should. I just want to be happy and goddammit, I will be happy if they just leave me be and JUST STOP PUSHING. it's so frustrating, and I am just reaching my breaking point. I don't know what to do. I honestly, honestly, just, don't. and God help me, I am exhausted. I am just too tired to fucking do anything anymore. I am depressed all the time and this is affecting my relationship with Egan, my friends and everyone else around me. I am just a train wreck at this point and I wished I could get out of this rut. so please help, anyone.

apart from all that shit, I had a great time with E and his friends. Of course being boys that they are, they couldn't stop playing this game called 'Left 4 Dead' which is generally a game that involves shooting of zombies and alot of yelling (to each other). Hate to admit it, but it was actually quite exciting. Then there was this particular part of the night that I loved. I laid on his lap on the couch (when everyone else had gone to 7-11 in search of food at 2 am), he would stroke my hair from time to time, and we listened to music, sang, kissed and talked about everything and anything. With him I feel safe, I feel so safe. And I'm afraid once this all ends, it would just be enough to kill me. I'm just praying and hoping it never will.

All else aside, Merry Christmas everyone. Love is everywhere (:

"But for now, Let me say, Without hope or agenda, Just because it's Christmas (And at Christmas you tell the truth).. To me, you are perfect. And my wasted heart will always love you." - Love Actually

Sun, 21 Dec 2008 16:09:56 GMT

i am fat. i am ugly. and this will never change.

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 08:09:41 GMT

everyone has to watch this:

and everyone has to listen to them, them and them:
http://www.myspace.com/bquartet - them #1
http://www.myspace.com/thefirefightsg - them #2
http://www.myspace.com/roguewave - them #3

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist was sorely disappointing, even though there were a ton of indie looking kids sitting in the movie theatre. Talk about generalisation. I am feeling bloated and gross, and Top Chef is sadly addictive. I am a simple creature, looking for some love, some fun and sometimes nothing at all.

resolutions this year..anyone got any pointers?

i say more good deeds, more honesty, less spending and less screwing myself over. sounds like the soundtrack of my everyday life hmm.

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 01:37:04 GMT

i am tired beyond words. let's just say our goodbyes and be done with it.

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 01:43:15 GMT

i'm such an untalented, useless motherfucker. i hate it. what's wrong with me. someone please help.